Establishing the Islamic Home Part 3

Spreading Good manners and Gentleness in the HOME

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "If Allah, the Most High and the Most Majestic, intends good for the people, He puts within them gentleness." [Musnad Ahmad (6/71)]

Gentleness is one of the means to peace and happiness in the HOME.

Gentleness with the spouse and children is very beneficial and the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) is reported to be very kind and helpful to his wives and children. He was a man amongst men who used to patch up his clothes, he used to milk his goat and serve himself. [Sisilah al-Ahaadeeth (671)]

Being playful with one's wife and children is another reason of extending happiness in the house.

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "Everything which does not contain the dhikr of Allah is amusement and play, except four: A man playing with his wife..." [Sunan Nisa'ee]

And Aa'ishah (radhi allahu anha) said: "I and the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) used to bathe together from one pot in our house. The pot used to be between me and him, he used to race with it and I used to say: 'Leave some, leave some." She said they both used to be in janaba."

Many instances can be found regarding being kind and playful with the children. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) used to be very kind to children. He used to talk to them in a gentle way, stroke their heads, carry them on his back and give them dates before he ate one. He (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "The one who is not merciful, will not have mercy shown to him." [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

Narrated Ibn Abbas (radhi allahu anhu), when the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) arrived in Makkah, the small children of Banee 'Abd al-Mutallib (a tribe) welcomed him, he put one of them on his back and carried one of them in his arms." [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

Narrated Abdullah ibn Ja'far (radhi allahu anhu): "Whenever the Prophet came back from a journey he would meet us. Once he met me, al-Hasan, and al-Husayn. He carried one of us in his arms and the other on his back until we entered al-Madeenah." [ Muslim, Abu Dawood and Ibn Majah]

Discipline among the Family

Strict time keeping in the House: A Strict timetable in the house should be formed, for example eating timings, all members of the family should eat together, sleeping timings, wake up early, no late-nights etc…
The HOME should not resemble a hotel, where people act according to their desires.

Guarding the Secrets of the House

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "From amongst the most evil of people with Allah on the Day of Judgement is a man who has relationship with his wife and she with him, then he spreads her secrets." [Saheeh Muslim (4/157)]

Also, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) once said: "Perhaps a man will say what he does with his family, and the woman will inform what she did with her husband." The people were silent, but a woman Asmaa bint Yazeed said: "By Allah, O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam)! The women do this, and indeed the men also do that." He replied: "Do not do that, for it is like a male Shaytaan meeting a female Shaitaan in the road and they have relations while the people are watching." [Musnad Ahmad (6/457)]

Thus, one should not spread the marital matters outside the house, and act upon the saying of Allah: "And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator (mediator) from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is Ever Knowing and Acquainted." [Soorah an-Nisa (4): 35]

Seeking Permission to Enter: Allah says: "O you who believe! Do not enter houses other than your own houses until you ascertain welcome and greet their inhabitants. That is best for you; perhaps you will be reminded. If you do not find anyone therein, so not enter, until the permission has been given to you. If it is said to you: Go back, then go back; it is purer for you. And Allah is knowing of what you do." [Soorah an-Noor (24): 27-28]

"And it is not righteousness to enter houses from the back, but righteousness is in one who fears Allah. And enter houses from their doors. And fear Allah, that you may succeed." [Soorah al-Baqarah (2): 189]

"Whenever the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) asked permission to enter, he knocked the door thrice with a greeting and whenever he spoke a sentence (said a thing) he used to repeat it thrice." [Saheeh al- Bukharee]

When she reached his house, Zaynab, the wife of Ibn Mas'ood, came and asked permission to enter. It was said: "O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) it is Zaynab" He asked: "Which Zaynab?" The reply was: 'the wife of Ibn Mas'ood'. He said: "Yes, allow her to enter." So she was admitted." [Saheeh al-Bukharee (2/541)]

One should not enter the house if permission is not granted: Abu Sa'eed al-Khudree (radhi allahu anhu) said: "Abu Moosa (radhi allahu anhu) came as if he was scared, and said: 'I asked permission to enter Umar's house three times, but I was not given permission, so I returned.' (When Umar knew about this) he said to Abu Moosa: "Why did you not enter?" Abu Moosa replied: "I asked the permission three times and I was not given it, so I returned for the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "If any one of you asks permission thrice to enter and permission is not given, then he should return..." [Saheeh al-Bukharee ]

Order for the Children and Servants not to enter the Bedroom

The children and servants are ordered not to enter the bedroom of the husband and wife without permission, during the times of sleep and rest. These are before the dawn, after the ishaa prayer and the time of the mid day nap. There is a threat that they may intrude on their privacy and Allah says: "O you who believe! Let those whom your right hands possess and those who have not yet reached puberty among you ask permission of you (before entering) during three times; before the dawn prayer, and when you put aside your clothing (for rest) at noon, and after the night prayer. (These are) three times of privacy for you. There is no blame on you, nor upon them beyond these (periods), for they (habitually) circulate among you and each other. Thus does Allah make clear to you the verses, and Allah is Knowing and Wise." [Soorah an-Noor (24): 58]

It is Forbidden to Spy

It is forbidden to look into other people's houses without their permission. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "…If someone peeps into your house without your permission, and you throw a stone at him and damage his eyes, there will be no blame on you." [Saheeh al-Bukharee (9/26)]

And: "If anyone peeps into the house of a people without their permission and he knocks out his eye, Qasas (punishment) nor diya (blood-money) is incurred for his eye." [Abo Dawood (5153)]

One must come to the door seeking permission and avoid looking in if the door is open. When Sa'd ibn abee Waqqas (radhi allahu anhu) came and stood at the door, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "Stand away from it, (stand) this side or that side. Asking permission is meant to escape from the look." [Aboo Dawood (5155)]

Hanging the stick where it may be seen: One of the ways to teach good manners, is hanging of a stick in the house where it will be a threat. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: "Hang the sticks where they can be seen by the people of the house, because it is a way of teaching manners to them." [Tabaree and Silsilah as-Saheehah]

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) also said: "Order your children to perform the prayer when they are seven, and spank them when they are ten." [Aboo Dawood]

One should not resort to hitting without a need of it, because hanging the stick does not mean to hit them, it is merely to teach them manners and it is not the only way of teaching manners, Allah says: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devotedly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As for those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all)." [Soorah An-Nisa (4): 34]

One may also boycott anyone for a sin as Aa'ishah (radhi allahu anha) said: "Whenever the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) heard anyone from his household tell a lie he would boycott them until he saw that they had repented." [Ahmad (6/152), and in Saheeh al-Jaami (4675)]